Calm before

Today feels like the calm before the storm. That slight awareness of large shifts about to come, sudden and unseen. This morning beautiful late summer clouds rolled around, puffy with rain. They fell for a few minutes after 10 a.m. then moved on with more showers to the south west of town.

But the feeling persists. Something on the offing, not yet ready to reveal itself. So I pray. For wisdom, clear vision, truth. Not really sure if whatever is coming should be averted.

The sense of waiting rests inside. So I wait, eyes wide, ready to receive or resist. Waiting


Fluffy dogs and Dry Dust

In the past few days had a lot of fun reassessing all kinds of stuff. And coming up rested. Like a fluffy dog wallows in dry dust, then shakes out all the burrs and brambles of the last few travels, I took time to rummage around, reassess and look at what is actually occurring, not what I thought was occurring.

For a navel gazer like me, this is good. A bit of sweating, poking, prodding and tugging at what looks immovable (and of course isn’t) produced a welcome realization that It’s Not About Me!

Shocking, I know.

And to be honest, the sweating was more mental and emotional that physical. Did some of that too but my idea of exercise is enduring the treadmill for 30 minutes, couple of times a week. Rearranging my office? Much more fun. And revealing.

‘Cause those files were piled to the ceiling, hard to find anything and worse to decipher my notes. Found materials I thought lost (and oh, so needed), dumped trash ‘til the waste basket cried uncle (yours doesn’t?) and at the moment am sitting in an almost orderly office, enjoying the desk I so love surrounded by Clear Floor Space.

Those last few words are writing in glowy, glittery sparkles in my head. I have now have working lists, tidy to-do files and Clear Floor Space!

The struggle is to daily beat back clutter creating habits that sneak in while I am deep in creation thought. One perk of aging (which no one mentions) is the inclination to tidy and keep tidy is much stronger. I call it the Picture Straightening Syndrome. It does make life easier. Would never have thought that while in my 20’s but it is there and sometimes an unconscious action.

Started a new study recently on Prayer and have to say, what I found is pivotal for me. Spiritual battles are not simply psychological phenomena but actual occurrences that reveal past and future structures. Wow, that is a mouth, or brainful concept. I’ve always known and often engage in spiritual conflicts but I’ve been lazy and let all the parts of it get in my way.

What Jesus said and did matters. It impacts my life. Praying with expectation means I have to expect consequences. Not just feelings but verifiable actions and reactions of other people.

Anyone who reads this blog knows the past few months were drama-filled for me. Not the fun kind. And I’ve let that drama hurt me. I’ve let what other people do or expect of me pressure me. Organizations always pressure because the organization, like every living thing, fights to survive. I know that, but I sort of forgot.

Last week, I had a real come-to-Jesus meeting and the result was, Jesus/God/Holy Spirit wants me to fulfill His plan for me. Not anyone else’s plan for me, or for them either.

Knew that too, but again, sort of forgot.

I am who I am, they are who they are and they do what they do, which is none of my business. Keep my eyes on the prize, my fingers in the pies my God tells me to take part in.

Ahhh. Peace.


Waiting. Watching.

Starting a new thing today. Dealing with waiting. Something I’m not so good with. Still, because I am a child of Depression babies, I do know how to wait with anticipation. For those who don’t remember the Great Depression, it was a scary time for most of the world. Massive monetary collapse, in the U.S and every other developed country.

And my parents were born immediately prior to that, so they raised their kids as if it could happen again, at any moment. That meant saving plastic containers, wires, odd bits of furniture all because, You Might Need It and Better to Have It and Not Need it, Than Need It and Not Have It. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Waiting skills are still in my psyche, kind of rusty but there. Applying them, not so much fun. So, today, I am looking at the value of waiting, for something specific, something expected, something not yet tangible.

Maybe it’s the tangible part. That lovely ah of having what you know is good and right in hand, where you can look at it, appreciate the security of touching it.

Security? Hmmm.

Maybe. The American Heritage dictionary defines security as freedom from risk or danger, safety; a pledge, assurance of the fulfillment of an obligation, confidence. The root word carries a sense of being among your own people.

Now that rings a bell, a good solid peal of all being right and good. I’m one of those who don’t often feel i am among my own people. Large groups, organizational gatherings more often than not turn into quagmires of social trials and traps.

See that word trial? So many times it means trail, as into dark, spooky woods. And that is not secure. Ever.

Finding my own people. Most of them, like me, are wary, especially in places that should be safe, like religious groups. But then there is that word, Religious. Which really means, rules, regulations, requirements. Punitive, forceful social structures of What Is Right because we say so. And don’t ever, ever ask how did they come those conclusions.

That will get you pilloried. As in publically held up to ridicule and debasement. Which was the point of being pilloried, because you won’t do what WE want you to do.

Not so really sure God/Jesus/Holy Spirit has ever been asked to put in His two cents on those issues. All I know for sure is, He tells me to look, look, and look again. He is on the move and His purposes come to fruition.

Which ties into the waiting part. He assures me He has this and He has me. That part I know. For sure. Not a single doubt. He’s never lied to me or dropped me on my head. Some people who claim to speak for Him have done both. And been very proud of it.

He considers me so very important to His plan that He says, Wait. Watch Me do this thing. It will be good.

So, I continue to read, think, pray, rest and praise. He’s got this.

World Travel on a budget. In Texas.

Took a short trip to Palestine. Went through Bethel to get there. Trip lasted two days with no jet lag. We thought about Paris and London, opted to skip Italy this time. While still speaking Texan. Ah, road trips.

Not sure if you can do this in other places but I bet ya can. People name towns for other towns and it creates a wonderful sense of Where Am I Really? In north-central Texas where I live, Midlothian is a 30 drive away, while Rhome is further north by a hour or so, give or take the traffic crunch. Corinth is a bit further, close to Hebron.

Not really sure of all the stories behind the names, but the one about Midlothian is most likely similar to several. Seems as how a homesick engineer, far from his native Scottish hill country worked as a surveyor, laying out routes and roads in early Texas. This particular section reminded him of the faraway place of his birth, and he named the small township, Midlothian.

In Scotland, Midlothian is a farming county, with rolling hills dotted with rocky outcroppings, a good place to raise cattle. Probably not much barbeque though. Steeped in history, lots of castles. In Texas, it’s a warmer version, most of the time, but when you squint, it could look like Scotland. Except we have barbeque.

And we went to Palestine to ride the steam train. Thoroughly enjoyed the town. True east Texas, piney woods and rolling hills with tons of history and pride of place. Did find a great place for barbeque, of course. Shep’s B-B-Q and Catering service. They haven’t changed the décor or the recipes in 30 to 40 years, smoker out back and lots of napkins. Always a good sign.

Sweet tea and marvelous potato salad took a back seat to perfect coleslaw. Not made with sugar, vinegar based to go with the spice in the barbeque sauce, my personal favorite. Husband’s choice, ribs, done exactly the way he likes.

When we go back, I get the ribs and he gets sausage. Hmmm. Best part? No need for a passport, no jet lag and no need to ask if they serve sweet tea. Ahhhh.

Forgive? That?

Had a rough Sunday. Emotionally and mentally. So, like the sturdy introvert I am, I’ve been processing. A lot. Which led me into repentance and forgiveness. Actually, unforgiveness led to the repentance, which is hauling me to forgiveness.


The whole crazy thing.

Digging into it, I remembered a fight with forgiveness I thought I’d nailed down. Years ago, an event took place and I took up what I thought was an offense against someone I love. Carried that offense for weeks, a couple of months, nursing it, feeding it. Really enjoying the feeling of RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION. (All caps on purpose.)

But physically I felt awful, headachy, half queasy most of the time. And oh, so very grouchy. Nothing satisfied, felt comfy. I was Wronged. And other people were Wronged. And I was Right to feel wronged.

The guilty party? Not a smidgen of awareness or remorse. How dare they! The party I thought of as wounded? Not a smidgen of awareness of being wronged. They didn’t feel slighted or hurt.

Not really sure how it started but I decided I Would Forgive. Magnanimously, because I am a Christian and Christians do that, regardless of the Assault.

Yeah, by now, all of you are yawning.

So, by faith, I went to my bedroom once a day, said Father, I forgive. For weeks. Inside me nothing. Well, except the crazy Righteous Indignation started looking silly. It got to the point where I just started talking to God about the whole thing. One sentence. I shut up. Next sentence. I shut up and listened.

After a few weeks, it became a conversation.

Then one day, everything happened. I actually forgave. Without conditions, or criteria, I forgave. The slogging load in my gut fell off, the room literally brightened and I felt Peace.

The only solid memory I have is that moment. Light, joy, goodness around me. The carpet under my feet, soft, air around me like a soft breeze in a meadow. I felt alive once more.

The rest of it, all my self-righteousness, it’s in a journal somewhere. Remember writing the words but the details, fuzzy.

So, because I’ve done this before, I can do it again. With a bit more gold in the treasure. The word Repent, in Hebrew is related to the word, Spring. It means to turn from that which is cold and dead, winter, to that which is warm and alive, spring. And I’ve learned to repent at every opportunity. A gift of life in the midst of my own stubborn coldness.

Repent for even listening to the desire to strike back, allowing the whisper of Self Righteousness to curl into my heart. I do make mistakes, often when I speak first, think later. So, take the correction and apply it. God is good with mistakes. He wants mature kids and that means I’ve got a lot to learn.

Forgive the intended stab, forgive the angry glare.

Know that I was hurt, rejected, criticized and judged in anger.

Because when I forgive, all those emotions are recognized and validated. They are real. And forgiveness allows me to drop the chains someone else wanted me to carry. I forgive because I am free to forgive. The same way I am free to repent. The hurt, rejection, criticism and anger spoken to me weren’t from me. So I don’t have to carry them.

The one who meant me to feel all that still carries all that. And it’s awful. I am so sorry for them. I wish all the hurts, rejections, criticism they experienced didn’t happen. But it did and I can’t change that. So I forgive.

God, in His infinite Love and Wisdom, said for me to give Him all that stuff. He does take it. He doesn’t deny any of the pain or sorrow, isolation, rejection, abandonment. He sacrificed Himself for me and forgave me before I ever drew an earthly breath.

Because of Him, I can do this. The wound is there, but it will heal. Scars are signs of battle survived.

Right now, light, joy, goodness. Peace/Shalom. I am whole, one more time.








Thinking about Opposition

Kind of crazy since I don’t like opposition. Does anybody? I want my way, what I want, without regarding anyone else’s wants. Pause. Long pause. Realization sifts into awareness.

Because I also want to be at peace with those I love. And their wants, their needs sift into my wants, my needs. When I get to be part of bringing comfort, success or simple rest to someone else, that act gives me comfort, success or simple rest.

What I want is important to me. Sometimes.

Like this morning.

I hate yard work, the sweating, bending, weeding, hair in my eyes, grit under my nails yard work. My husband likes it, finds it satisfying, reassuring, peaceful. Husband’s cataract surgery two days ago meant no bending or picking up heavy objects for a week or more.

Yesterday, on cue, two dozen dandelions erupted in the front yard.

Those brilliant yellow faces taunted him. Each little flower means thousands more in a couple of weeks. Before surgery he cut down and pulled the stump of an errant tree in the side yard, making sure that section was ready for a new cover of grass. But dandelions pounced while he slept, eye patch taped in place.

So, this morning (this is me so it wasn’t before 10 or my coffee) when he asked for help, I pulled on garden gloves, took up my bucket and followed him outside. My grumbling stayed inside, mostly, and we got every dandelion we could find. I even pointed out a couple he didn’t see at first.

I still hate yard work, but I love that man. And in this instance, it’s his desire for a dandelion free yard that matters. His comfort matters more than my wants.

And setting my want aside for a moment gives me comfort. Crazy, huh?

Now if I could translate that small window of peace into strength for the bigger opposition in harder battles with people who matter much less. Still chewing on that.


‘cause I am the grandma

A few posts back I started talking about the distinction between reward and pleasure. BORING.

I heard that, or rather sensed the disruption in the force. Truth is, words and assumptions get all snarled up together. Result? That crazy tangled web Shakespeare mentioned in a sonnet, or a play, can’t remember which.

Pleasure is not reward and reward is not pleasure, although both of them smush together a lot. Both feel good. And I love to feel good. Oh, you too? Okay then, we are on the same page.

The big deal between pleasure and reward? Lasting impact. In my not so humble opinion. Both are positive, good results. No problem with pleasure or reward. That warm fuzzy that fills your brain when you smell your favorite perfume, being snuggy after a hot bath while you listen to great music, relishing the quiet after a busy day.

Or for extroverts in the world, that wonderful camaraderie surrounded by a dozen of your best friends, watching your favorite team win the Super Bowl. Sitting in the stands at NASCAR, whooping with everyone as the cars scream past you. Great conversations going on around you at a fun party, where everyone is laughing, as you bring in more food and drinks.

Pleasure. Pure and simple. Good. And it’s fantastic while it happens.

Reward? It is rewarding to feel that sensation, while it lasts. But simple pleasure is momentary. It dissipates, fading to a pleasant memory.

The thing we call reward has much longer threads, more legs to journey into the future. Reward is something earned, a return on action. I must do something to achieve it. The crazy thing about it? Reward causes me to feel good about myself. I did something that rewarded me with the pleasure of my own company. And I want to feel good about myself much more than enjoy a fleeting moment of a-a-a-h-h.

Pleasure occurs. Reward results.

Why in the world am I talking about this? Rhetorical question, but a good one.

My grandkids. The three older ones perch in mid-teen years, and our conversations tell me they have the tiniest sense of self-awareness. And of course, like any good grandma, I want them strong in who they really are, what they are and how to achieve their own sense of value.

Yeah, the let-me-leave-a-legacy thing. Which is a reward I want. And a pleasure to see it begin at the incremental level. ( I do so love big honkin’ words. As if you didn’t know.)

This whole reward thing came about when I began developing a character for a manuscript. He needed depth, pathos, resolution in the middle of a run of the mill mystery adventure. Wound up scraping the story, but kept the character because he became more fun as he dug into what made him feel good about himself as opposed to what made him feel good. It turned the story into something stronger and I realized this element of reward versus pleasure worked in real people too. Especially me.

When I find an acorn in the forest, I tell absolutely everyone. Ad nauseam.

Lucky you.

The cool thing is, when I say Pleasure? Reward? to one grandchild, he raises an eyebrow. The other two, not so sure they get it. Yet.

But I will keep talking, ‘cause I am the grandma.

This obedience thing is getting out of hand!

So obedience can get out of control? Is that even possible? In any good discussion, lots of talk rolls around the room, knocking over tables or firm convictions, willy-nilly, until one side or the other gets tired, lands a good blow or with one mighty leap, bounds out of the room, claiming victory from a safe distance. Then the spectators get the not so fun job of sorting out the debris. If any survive.

I opened this topic last time with a tiny attempt to make sense of what obedience is actually good for. I know, I know. That sentence is not good grammar, according to Latin, (a dead language by the by) but it works in American just fine, thank you very much.

Turns out obedience is one of those topics used to start fights or flatten the opposition, not actually committing discussion. A major missed point is the question: Obedience to whom?

Sounds very grammarian doesn’t it? The question still stands. Who wants to talk about obedience in the first place. Usually someone who feels dis-obeyed and Wants His Voice Heard. Not generally one interested in discussion. The issue of listening, comprehending is a big part of obedience. The action of agreement comes after the decision to obey.

And 1 Corinthians 15:24 infers something very different about the result of obedience. Power. As in the power to destroy opposition. How’s that for shocking? But ya know, in 1 Samuel 15:23 rebellion is equated with witchcraft and stubbornness with iniquity. Strong words for things we think of as small, regular emotions.

Power is in this whole thing, as well as control.

And I thought this would be an easy weekend mental jog. Yeah, right.


Obey? Are you serious?

Been chewing on something. What? Me, do that? Apparently. It sort of happens when I’m left alone with my thoughts. The toys get all jumbled together and stuff falls out. Go figure.

Back to the thought or more exactly, the word. Obedience. A tricky concept all gnarled up with emotional baggage. And yes, I can hear the strangled yelp inside myself. You too, if you’re brave enough to admit it. Obedience. What is it anyway?

According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, obedience is the quality or condition of being obedient, to obey. Here where it get’s fun, I promise. Okay for word geeks it’s fun. ‘Cause we speak English. Okay, truth is we speak American English. More specifically Texas American English. Not the same thing, but close enough.

To obey is to carry out, fulfill a command, order, instruction or request. The word obey comes from Old French from Old Latin. It involves perception, specifically hearing. In other words, you gotta hear it, then you gotta do it. Obey. The act is called obedience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What’s that got to do with the price of eggs?

As Americans we pride ourselves on our fabled Independence, freedom from interference in our pursuit of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Quoting now from something Tom Jefferson whipped up years ago. Which involves  obeying somebody or something to actually acquire the freedom to access those three items. And the ultimate independence hinges on individuals working together for more of the same.

And funny enough, this whole debate started long ago. In the beginning of the beginning, there was order, structure and the need for obedience to continue that order, that structure. Adam was placed in the Garden to tend and keep it. Because God said so. Yeah, I know, quoting a much older document.

So what’s this thing the Bible calls obedience? In Hebrew, it means to hear intelligently, understand, regard, receive; in Greek, attentive listening, compliance, conform to advice. So, pretty much the same thing. To obey is to hear, understand and do what is required. Most of the time to God.

Simple to say, until that old Me First voice starts yapping. Which is the problem. Oddly enough, obedience ties closely to power. As in the use of.

1 Corinthians 15:24 is the verse that started this particular trip for me.

Then comes the end, when He delivers the kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power.

Jesus, that guy who obeyed even to the point of death, gained the power to destroy all the work of the enemy.

Now that paints a completely different picture of what obedience is and what it does. Have to think about all that. A lot. ‘Cause, apparently, there is more to dig into.


To slug or not slug?

Ever wake up with the demands of the day whipping around in your head? No? Honestly, no? Egad, then once again, I’m in the minority. Wait, no. I see that timid hand barely below shoulder level.

Go ahead, admit to it. We are those who think. All the time. About everything. Heavy sigh.

Doesn’t mean I don’t sleep. As a point of order, I sleep very well. Most of the time. Unless the thought herd gets restless, meandering in and out of the files I keep in my brain. Which of course goes into another file.

And yes, at some point, I will have to organize those files. A bit.

Oh, all right, I confess. Organizing is not one of my stronger abilities. I tell the children they will get it later. When they have to back up the truck to dump the contents of my office. Or simply strike a match. But that means notifying the fire department before hand. So they can cordon off the neighborhood.

Or not. But I have warned them. Or was that in another file?

To get back to the point (because I noticed several of you slipping off for more coffee) the word slug came to my attention. Mostly because of editing an essay. Notice I am resisting the temptation to chase yet another rabbit. Back to slug. I wrote that outloud?

Back to point, how did that word develop so many meanings in English? As in, to slug or hit someone. Take a slug, a stiff drink. A slug nickel isn’t worth much, while a garden slug means disaster in roses. In the railroad industry, before they used pushers in rail yards, they used slugs to maneuver empty cars. When I am a slug, I lay around all day, goofing off.

Which I am not doing. Really.

The sense of the word hinges on context, because the root word for slug came from lots of places. Old English, old Norse, in the blacksmith trade in reverence to small bits of metal snipped or flung off, to another older German word for strong liquor, the slimy critter in the garden from old French referring to a specific fish, all the way to old Irish for a hard or killing blow. In newspaper lingo, a slug was a first line in a print article. And we do understand what’s being said by the context.

Unless the speaker has a lisp, which throws a monkey wrench into the process. I know that from personal experience. Don’t ask. S words give me fits when I’m tired.

Which I Am Not.


Most of the time, what we say relates to what we do. Describing those actions take words. Those little blasts of air explain, confuse, attract, repel, create images in our brains and muddy intentions all over the place. Which is why I think about them. And tell y’all all about it.

Tossed in that little plural singular for fun. ‘Cause I do talk that way.

One of these years the first part of some words will drop off, because of use or misuse (referencing that colloquial ‘cause I just did) and no one will be the wiser. Except for word geeks. Small sigh.